Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

.fear aint real..

It's human nature to gripe, but I'm going ahead and doing the best I can.

Science is the highest personification of the nation because that nation will remain the first which carries the furthest the works of thought and intelligence.

A magazine to have style, must need and understand and invest in what jingles - not jiggles - in designer jeans.

The best is yet to come, and won't that be fine? You think you've seen the sun, but you ain't seen it shine.

Whatever you resist will persist.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

Our religion doesn't demand perfection but instead a manageable strive to better ourselves.

Songs won't save the planet, but neither will books or speeches.

Books are infinite in number and time is short. The secret of knowledge is to take what is essential. Take that and try to live up to it.