Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The foundation of success in life is good health: that is the substratum fortune it is also the basis of happiness. A person cannot accumulate a fortune very well when he is sick.

Scripture is like a lion. Who ever heard of defending a lion? Just turn it loose; it will defend itself.

I said, "It seems like you have fond feelings toward your ex-wife. Are you two still close?" "Nah," he said casually. "She thinks I changed my name to Motherfucker."

It is one thing to impose drastic measures and harsh economic penalties when an environmental problem is clear-cut and severe...

If it wasn't for golf, I don't know what I'd be doing. If my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant somewhere.

The best live among us in disguise.

I have a little brown cocoon of an idea that may possibly expand into a magnificent moth of fulfilment.

He charged nothing for his preaching and it was worth it too.

When you first assemble a group, it's not a team right off the bat. It's only a collection of individuals

If there are two things Penn & Teller stand for, it's the truth & lying, although not necessarily in that order.