Humor that is edgy is never squeaky clean.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Miss no single opportunity of making some small sacrifice here by a smiling look there by a kindly word always doing the smallest right and doing it all for love.

All gods are homemade, and it is we who pull their strings, and so, give them the power to pull ours.

America, this is our moment. This is our time. Our time to turn the page of the policies of the past.

The man who is always talking about being a gentleman, never is one.

The grave is, I suspect, the sole commonwealth which attains that dead flat of social equality that life in its every principle so heartily abhors.

If you are apostles at all, you are apostles, not of men, nor by man. Your sufficiency is of God.

Now, now, you aren't afraid of monsters in the dark, are you?" I caught a flash of her eyes, winking wickedly at me. "No," I said, shivering. After all, I was one of them.

Now, of all the benefits that virtue confers upon us, the contempt of death is one of the greatest.

No sense in being a grifter if it's the same as being a citizen.

Contentment is natural wealth.