Humour is essentially a comforter, reconciling us to things as they are in contrast to things as they might be.

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

The landlady of a boarding-house is a parallelogram - that is, an oblong angular figure, which cannot be described, but which is equal to anything

Now, the essence, the very spirit of Christmas is that we first make believe a thing is so, and lo, it presently turns out to be so.

It may be those who do most, dream most.

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.

A half truth, like half a brick, is always more forcible as an argument than a whole one. It carries better.

Advertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

There are two things in ordinary conversation which ordinary people dislike - information and wit

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.

It takes a good deal of physical courage to ride a horse. This, however, I have. I get it at about forty cents a flask, and take it as required.

We all know interspecies romance is weird.

The History Of The Universe In Three WordsCHAPTER ONEBang!CHAPTER TWOsssssCHAPTER THREEcrunch.THE END

Your life should reflect your heart.

The one thing that you can be sure about of what mankind has learned over the centuries...is that he has paid attention to none of it.

Easy, dushka, " he mumured. "You're safe.

Most human behavior is nothing other than the avoidance of pain and the pursuit of pleasure.

I actually get venereal disease more often than most people catch colds.

Disobedience, to be civil, implies discipline, thought, care, attention.

I'm a country guy from Mississippi who keeps it simple.

The do-it-yourself version of pensions is a flop, as many Americans have painfully learned.