Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

Gratitude changes us.

Writing like this is a little like milking a cow: the milk is so rich and delicious, and the cow is so glad you did it.

We get a little further from perfection each year. I think that's called character. I think that's just how it goes.

Life means progress, and progress means suffering.

No. 1 music event in 1998? 'Weird Al gets LASIK to cure his myopia. At the same time, he grows out his hair and shaves his mustache, drastically changing his look.'

His frustration running very high, he takes it out on the ones he loves because it's safe.

The history of mankind is a perennial tragedy; for the highest ideals which the individual may project are ideals which he can never realize in social and collective terms.

Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken.

I live in hip-hop. I don't find it to be offensive.

Do not always assume the other fellow has intelligence equal to yours. He may have more.