I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy.

Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then some.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny.

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record.

How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the same dances.

When the symphony of life fills your heart, the chorus of contentment joins in.

America's Veterans have served their country with the belief that democracy and freedom are ideals to be upheld around the world.

I am definitely a serial monogamist. I can count on one hand the number of guys I've been with.

Are you helping people? Are they happy? Are you happy? Are you profitable? Isn't that enough?

By the cross we, too, are crucified with Christ; but alive in Christ. We are no more rebels, but servants; no more servants, but sons!

Learn that every flatterer Lives at the flattered listeners cost.

Novelists are always resisting autobiographical readings of their work, because they know how false those can be.

I seldom was ever off my seat on the bench during the game.

No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.

Age had not made him less handsome, as is so often the case; it had simply made him less visible.