I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record.

If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy.

Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then some.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny.

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the same dances.

By perceiving the end of those illusive ideas and statuses as real, see yourself as though you have already accomplished what you have had a revelation to do. Then go, make it happen.

High walls and deep precipices on your path or hard rocks and big holes are not real obstacles! There is only one real obstacle on your path: Absence of self-confidence!

Id you're finished picking out my flaws, maybe you'd like to tell me what you want now.I have other customers--""You.""What was that?""I Want You.

You have only one life! Take a chance, make a change, and live!

Hip-hop is a part of rock & roll because it comes from DJ culture. DJ culture is the embodiment of all genres and all recorded music, if you actually pay attention to it.

I think those with knowledge of the comics may expect things that will not be happening in the movies. Those who don't know what has happened in the comics will be shocked at what we do.

Life has two halves: one patient and one afire. Love is the fiery half. Make me, O Lord, food for the flames.

The cloud shadows of midnight possess their own repose.

I'm not going to make it a target, but it's something to aim for.

Anyone who tells you they don't need to rewrite, they're usually the ones who need it worst.