I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

Initiative is doing the right thing without being told.

They’re like chocolate-chip cookies, though. Can’t have just one.

The saved moment is the true art of love.

We simply can't trust God's power fully until we experience it in the midst of our crisis.

The spirit of rebellion is present in every great city, and the great task of wise government is to keep it dormant, for if it wakes it is a torrent which no dam can hold back.

I don't want fame. I want to grow as an actor and a person while having my family and my life.

The sinner sins against himself; the wrongdoer wrongs himself, becoming the worse by his own action.

Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel.

We all know what we know. We experience with our minds and breath.

You need to agree with your boss about what you need to get done that week, what are the metrics of success. Sometimes you need more hours, sometimes you need fewer hours.