I always feel like I'm forgetting things.

For the most part, people don't know who I am.

I’m sort of known in the comedy community as “Smooth Sailing,” just ’cause everything always goes great. I’ve always had success at every turn.

What one person might see as violent, someone else may see as beautiful. Maybe even art.

Changing the world, one exclamation point at a time.

I suppose we all have a lil' inner or outer a-hole inside of us, just waiting for the right opportunity to rear their own beautiful buttholes.

I didn't necessarily set out to think of a show to make fun of reality shows.

For me, it feels like my ideas are more specific to random thoughts or single ideas I might have, as opposed to being influenced by a general perception of absurdity.

There were plenty of times some writers would make some kind of stupid joke to each other and then it was on TV that night or that week.

Ground the main character in stupidity. Hire a good cast and a good crew.

It's always been about when I do theater, the audience is just a viewer, not taking part in what's onstage. Whereas if you're doing stand-up, it's inclusive.

No civilized society can long exist, with an active power in its bosom that is stronger than the law.

Faithful women are all alike, they think only of their fidelity, never of their husbands.

Every nation has a moral obligation to safeguard the future.

If you don't have discipline, you can't have a successful program.

Thinking about starting a small business? Assume everything will cost twice as much and take twice as long as you think it will.

Prescription drugs can be even worse than illegal drugs. The only difference is the legality.

You could be a music prodigy at age 4, like Mozart, but you can't be a writing prodigy.

I enjoy logic and logic puzzles. And filmmaking is one fun logic puzzle that you gotta win.

If you can't solve the puzzle, you're nothing but a loser. (Near)