I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Leadership is the ability to help people and organizations surpass themselves.

The moon in all her immaculate purity hung in the sky, laughing at this world of dust. She congratulated me for my carefully considered maneuvers and invited me to share in her eternal solitude.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

I actually think the deafness makes you see clearer. If you can't hear, you somehow see.

It was an unusual environment. We're used to having the jotter arena at this time of year. It's unfortunate that it was that way, but both teams had to deal with it.

I wanted to work with those boys (producers Andy and Larry Wachowski) because they're so eccentric and peculiar. Larry, of course, is halfway towards being a woman now. It's a crazy world.

In war, groping tactics, half-way measures, lose everything.

There is no way to success in art but to take off your coat, grind paint, and work like a digger on the railroad, all day and every day.

It turns out that all life is interconnected with all other life.

Democrats always were a cheap lot. They never had much money to operate on.... They would rather make a speech than a dollar. They cultivate their voice instead of their finances.