I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Whatever you attempt go at it with spirit. Put some in!

Uncyclopedia isn't funny anymore.

Gross and vulgar minds will always pay a higher respect to wealth than to talent; for wealth, although it be a far less efficient source of power than talent, happens to be far more intelligible.

I remember taking great pride in making Brad Pitt laugh. I always had a soft spot for him. He's such a sweet, sweet man.

Tolerance - the function of an extinguished ardor - tolerance cannot seduce the young.

I am wrestling with the overalls trend. I wore so many pairs in junior high, and no one thought they were cute. Perhaps I'll try them cuffed with a tasteful crop top?

The British Government has no right in Ireland, never had any right in Ireland, and never can have any right in Ireland.

I'd like to be remembered as someone who was smart in business, works hard, and can be sexy and a mom. A powerful but still sexy, nonconforming woman.

Canadians are so easily wounded.

You must try to make the most of all that comes but also don't forget to learn a lot of all that goes.