I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

love is not boastful. But hate? Apparently hate has a big mouth.

I think that when you remember, remember, remember everything like that, you could go on until you remember what was there before you were in the world.

'Cause I's wicked - I is. I's mighty wicked anyhow I can't help it.

I'm a big free trader. But it has to be fair.

From then on, I realized this is what I want to do, what I'm supposed to do: Giving energy and receiving it back through applause. I love it. That's my world. I love it. I enjoy it. I live for it.

Pray as if everything depended on God, and work as if everything depended upon man.

I will neither yield to the song of the siren nor the voice of the hyena, the tears of the crocodile nor the howling of the wolf.

We have to build an economy that works for everyone, not just those at the top. That means we need new jobs, good jobs, with rising incomes.

The act of making a photograph is less a question of what is being looked at than how.

A friend is somebody who loves us with understanding, as well as emotion.