I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

If anyone controls your feelings, emotions, and thoughts—she or he controls you. Even if you are longing for love, think of yourself with love.

To own beauty is the first lie of it.

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t—it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Creative problem solving is not necessarily tantamount to cheating.

When it comes to tyrants, dictators and terrorists, strength and the threat of force is the only language they understand.

Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on.

I bought a Ferrari...and then sold it after a couple of months.

The cow is an exceptionally loving and gentle creature. She cries for days when her calf is taken from her. It is a pitiful sound, a pitiful sound.

We have a group of people now who think they own the state. Its disgusting.

Once a vampire drinks another vampires blood they are connected to them forever