I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

As the moon retaineth her nature, though darkness spread itself before her face as a curtain, so the Soul remaineth perfect even in the bosom of the fool.

If it weren't for a new rule that came into being, we'd have played three years in a row in the championship game.

The key to being confident is taking care of yourself and feeling like you're the best you can be.

Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners, even persecutors, the worst of sinners: his righteousness is sufficient for them; his Spirit is able to purify and change their hearts.

I felt that I had to write. Even if I had never been published, I knew that I would go on writing, enjoying it and experiencing the challenge.

The trouble with organizing a thing is that pretty soon folks get to paying more attention to the organization than to what they're organized for.

Love is a wonderful thing. It makes life worthwhile. I love being in love.

I will never again cast a curse on myself.

Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, coast for a while, and then have a hell of a close.

Bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest.