I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Fate is a cruelly sweet fruit.

The weaker the argument the louder and more frequent the rhetoric.

I think my demise has been prematurely reported. That's what I think. I think I'm going take this and make medical history, and I really believe that.

There is a great deal of hard lying in the world; especially among people whose characters are above suspicion.

I was 17, certainly by the time I was 19, I knew that show business was where I was going to end up, and I had my sights on being a director.

The life of an unenlightened person is filled with suffering.

A hidden connection is stronger than an obvious one.

And I don’t blame him. I don’t even trust me.

America as we know it will end unless we end Medicare as we know it.

When key users told us something wasn't working, we fixed it - immediately.