I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

True wealth does not glitter. It is revealed by the beauty of a life well lived.

Human is a suffered mind but an enlightened soul.

Always be courageous and strong, and don't fear.

My doctors warned me repeatedly that if you don't stay positive, you don't do well.

The only thing that matters is the choice you are making now--this very instant.

I am a citizen of the world, known to all and to all a stranger.

I don't know anybody in the underworld. I make this stuff up. I don't know any criminals.

Soldiers! Forty centuries behold you!

Even supposing there were some spiritual advantage in celibacy, it ought to be completely voluntary.

Understanding precedes peace.