I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

To be in the present time, keep yourself busy always or else you will find yourself either in the past or in the future!

Rule #3 - It's okay to believe yourself better than the rest of the planet, so long as you keep it to yourself.

Let him become a fool, that he may become wise.

Learn how to leave yourself behind, read between the lines, and let your spirit soar...take our Heavenly Father's guiding hand.

There is no boundary between heaven and earth unless we believe in one.

The practice of charity will bind us...will bind all men in one great brotherhood.

Truth is immortal; error is mortal.

I have never seen a man lost who was on a straight path.

Knowledge must come through action.

It's such a performance to bring stuff into America. It's a great luxury when I am in England.