I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Well done is better than well said.

The road to success is paved with the hot asphalt of failure.

Now the true soldiers of Christ must always be prepared to do battle for the truth, and must never, so far as lies with them, allow false convictions to creep in.

The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.

The case against the notion of historical objectivity is like the case against international law, or international morality; that it does not exist.

Corruption and hypocrisy ought not to be inevitable products of democracy, as they undoubtedly are today.

When the Scripture speaks, God speaks

You cannot acquire the gift of peace if by your anger you destroy the peace of the Lord.

I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.