I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

Great faith equals great power.

Responsibilities are given to him on whom trust rests. Responsibility is always a sign of trust.

Our manners have been corrupted by communication with the saints.

Editing was hard for me. It was hard to be in a room by yourself and not have that collaborative spirit. Comedies are really tight and timing is everything.

People forget facts, but they remember stories.

The Grape that can with Logic absolute The Two-and-Seventy jarring Sects confute: The sovereign Alchemist that in a trice Life's leaden metal into Gold transmute.

Drew is a player that comes along once every 20 years. Not even Barry Bonds can be compared to J.D. Drew.

Angels boast ethereal vigor, and are formed from seeds of heavenly birth.

Boredom, after all, is a form of criticism.