I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

You CAN have it all. Sometimes it just takes a little time to figure out your strategy to get there.

All stories are connected. In the end everything is connected.

Relationships matter: the currency for systemic change was trust, and trust comes through forming healthy working relationships. People, not programs, change people.

What's an eBay?" "A mythical place of great magical power." - Jace Wayland and Clary Fray (City of Bones)

In fact, we live in a culture where intelligence, exceptional or not, is reviled.

I remember when people actually wore coats and ties to theatre every night. They don't anymore. It's very different.

Sorry to bother you,” Bella said over the wailing. “But she wants her daddy.

True memoir is written, like all literature, in an attempt to find not only a self but a world

At thirty most men have prejudices rather than opinions-that is to say, rather than judgments-and few men have lived to be sixty without materially modifying the opinions they held at thirty.