I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.

Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles

They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.

I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground. But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as simple as not being unhappy.

I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank.

Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.

I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.

I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius.

Our intellect holds the same position in the world of thought as our body occupies in the expanse of nature.

Knowledge slowly builds up what Ignorance in an hour pulls down.

Art has to offer something other than stylized despair.

The trouble with happiness is that it never notices itself.

I wish I could write easily. I'm one of those guys who's visited by the muse when things are dire.

It's all over but the crying.

There will be a time when everyone on the team is going to contribute to winning a pennant.

To fear the bourgeois is bourgeois.

Linear thinking is patriarchal.

I would never go to a gym. How could I do it? So I tried to do it in my house and it doesn't work.