I am an author, and like many in my profession, I am also a traveling salesman, going all over in an attempt to persuade people to spend twenty-five dollars on a hardcover book by me.

Siberia is so big, it’s almost more an idea than a place

When the days start to get shorter, I want to be in some nice brick building on the East Coast with the lights glowing in the windows. When the daylight starts changing, I want to be out West.

Every once in a while, people need to be in the presence of things that are really far away.

People in Russia adapt to misery by a deep, deep humor.

There's an idea of the Plains as the middle of nowhere, something to be contemptuous of. But it's really a heroic place.

Everything in Russia is made of cement - phone booths, fence posts and light bulbs.

Sometimes travel is merely an opportunity taken when you can.

Russian humor is to adapt or make some sense or nonsense out of the insanity of their lives.

I don't have a disregard for my reader in humor pieces.

I think what is important for things to be funny is if you the listener, or the reader, get a chance to supply the humor of it yourself.

Consistency is an under-appreciated inspirational quality. It’s that ability to conduct yourself in a consistent, reliable manner that others will respect and appreciate.

Spiders evidently as surprised by the weather as the rest of us: their webs were still everywhere - little silken laundry lines with perfect snowflakes hung out in rows to dry.

I am convinced that God wanted me to be a baseball player.

I do not trust technology. I mean, I don't think we're in any danger of kids, you know, doing without video games in the future, but I am saying that their lives are largely out of balance.

No one imagines that a law professing to tax will be permitted to destroy.

If I see Danny Hillis quoted as an expert on MPP one more time, I'm going to puke.

I have no friends, there are only people I love.

The good news is, we're not bankrupt. The bad news is, we're close.

Sensibility of mind is indeed the parent of every virtue, but it is the parent of much misery, too.

I want to be like, "Look at Postal like Quentin Tarantino did it. Brainwash yourself and convince yourself that Tarantino did it. Forget my name and enjoy the 100 minutes and then write your review."