I am comfortable with myself, and this is how I am. I am not really interested in having an acrimonious fight with somebody.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

God's perspectives requires persistence. To have God's perspective in the world we live in requires persistence.

The bait we set, never truly entraps the love, but lust.

Fun is never gone because life is fun.

Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself remains a very effective therapist.

...A man is not required to run faster than he is able but it is a requirement to run.

Being an actress is to be in tune with the fantasies of a man. What woman never dreamt of that?

A lot of people don't think they can count on me, but I've never missed a gig in my life.

We have such a young culture that there is an opportunity to contribute wonderful new myths to it, which will be accepted.

Armenag Saroyan was the failed poet, the failed Presbyterian preacher, the failed American, the failed theological student.

Everyone has the heartbreak that shapes them in a way that they could never go back to the innocence that they had before.