I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Don't think money does everything or you are going to end up doing everything for money.

Play to your strength

To be successful you must be willing to leave your comfort zone. Even then success is not guaranteed

Why talk now when so many things have been said without ever giving me a chance to talk?

If you do something extraordinary for your customer you will never be forgotten. Customer service heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

Evolution is not controversial in the field of science. It's controversial in the public sphere because public education is highly politicized.

You will never solve poverty without solving water and sanitation.

I would hope that the publicity around the Higgs boson would increase the public awareness of physics and cosmology.

For Dawkins, evolution is a battle among genes, each seeking to make more copies of itself. Bodies are merely the places where genes aggregate for a time.

Slow seems their speed whose thoughts before them run.