I am furious about everything.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Dreaming is the day job of novelists, but sharing our dreams is a still more important task for us. We cannot be novelists without this sense of sharing something.

Yeah, because you'll really be showing them, won't you. Talk about cutting up your wrists to spite your fate.

I was spoiled by theater, where there is no editor.

I have always been very calm on the outside.

The only way to understand something is to be confronted by something that is difficult to understand.

You don't have to move on to let go.

I was raised in church by Christian parents and I was baptized when I was 11 years old. But I didn't really have a good understanding of what the Gospel was really all about until college.

What I know for sure: Having the best things is no substitute for having the best life. When you can let go of the desire to acquire, you know you are really on your way.

Get down,” he whispered. “I’m way ahead of you,” Jamie said from the floor

I think the culture is changing. An example of that is that the commanders truly want the very best person for the job regardless of gender.