I am here to fix the problem with yer pheaun.

You have to live before you die, or you'll die before you live.

There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed.

If I can't really find a way to live with myself, I can't expect anyone else to live with me.

Some forms of reality are so horrible we refuse to face them, unless we are trapped into it by comedy. To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

It won't be easy, that is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.

Conversation like television set on honeymoon... unnecessary.

To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.

I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.

François: Do you know what kind of a bomb it was? Clouseau: Yes, the exploding kind.

Whoever is content, shall be cheerful.

One of our professors described a lecture as 'a mystical process by which the notes on the pad of the lecturer pass on to the pad of the student, without passing through the mind of either'.

Supermom wasn't a bad job description. The pay was lousy if you were talking about real money. But the payoff was priceless in so many other ways.

Religion is the opium of the people.

To anyone who is homeless, I say, find a home.

The white man in the tropics degenerates every day.

My favorite journey is anywhere I haven't been

If suddenly you get depressed, it doesn't have to throw you. You can push those emotions aside. You can cultivate happy emotions or become emotionless when you need to be very sensitive.

They whispered to Caesar that he was mortal, then sold daggers at half-price in the grand March sale.

I don't understand women who try to be glamour queens.