I am not ashamed that I was once a vacuum-cleaner salesman, only that I was a *good* vacuum-cleaner salesman.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness. Then if you're not a good mixer you can always fall back on your own company.

The French are a logical people, which is one reason the English dislike them so intensely. The other is that they own France, a country which we have always judged to be much too good for them.

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

The ball is man's most disastrous invention, not excluding the wheel.

A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over.

Every child should be placed on a doorstep to sell something. It's the best possible training for life.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

When I see joggers go by I shout "Jim Fixx is dead. Fats Domino lives!"

A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and...actually, no it's just those two things.

I could write stories just as rotten.

We are all ordinary people. And it's the extraordinary people Who know it.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

Nonfiction-wha t the hell, that just says, this is nongrapefruit we're having this morning.

I can remember in the early 60s that there were a couple of really dynamic women performers at the time - Brenda Lee, there was Connie Francis.

In my recent travels into African countries and others, I was impressed by the importance of having a working unity among all peoples, black as well as white.

I never gave up as a player, and I won't give up as someone who wants to go to the Hall of Fame, because it's the ultimate goal for a baseball player or a football player or a basketball player.

The plants look up to heaven, from whence they have their nourishment.