I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

This is the way things work sometimes, that good things get ideas from each other, say, well now let’s go ahead and let her have it all.

When bad strikes, most likely you will not get an answer when you ask, “Why?” Your strength must come from having faith that someday the answer will come and then it will all make sense.

Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today.

The Bible is not an end in itself, but a means to bring men to an intimate and satisfying knowledge of God.

Good habits were the easiest ones to break.

I'm not conniving - that has a pejorative context. I'm not sitting in back rooms making deals. That's not my style.

When you're working in front of an audience, you have incentive to excel.

Man does not only sell commodities, he sells himself and feels himself to be a commodity.

Prayer wonderfully clears the vision; steadies the nerves; defines duty; stiffens the purpose; sweetens and strengthens the spirit.

Nobody can boast of Honesty till they are try'd.