I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Aim at a high mark and you'll hit it. No, not the first time, nor the second time. Maybe not the third. But keep on aiming and keep on shooting for only practice will make you perfect.

Daisies are perennials

Mindful leadership keeps you cool and energetic in any situation, so that you can make the best possible decisions.

I love musicals and I love Broadway.

Privacy is important. Anybody who doesn't think that, they're crap. But I know I'm going to lose some of that and that's something I'll have to deal with.

The event itself is so extraordinary that another chapter could be added to the Bible to chronicle its significance.

God doesn't move until we move first.

I'm very happy in France making movies.

I have a quality where I sort of scare people. But I am who I am.

I went to dance classes from 9 in the morning until 1, then to school from 3 to 10 at night, always under the threat that if I failed a single course I could forget about dancing.