I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

It is better for a soul to write the wonders of time while there is still breath.

Not really, but after that I think about how I could kill him while he slept if I really wanted to, and then I feel better.

RZA is one of the most unique individuals and rap artists that I have worked with.

Remember for just one minute of the day, it would be best to try looking upon yourself more as God does, for She knows your true royal nature.

The sun doth shake Light from his locks, and, all the way Breathing perfumes, doth spice the day.

I'm not so interested in being indie just for the sake of being indie.

If rising makes you famous, don't give up rising, but find a safe port where you can be unreachable!

Any solution to a problem changes the problem.

Data about an innovative idea is rarely crystal clear.

Those in power need checks and restraints lest they come to identify the common good for their own tastes and desires, and their continuation in office as essential to the preservation of the nation.