I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Wake up each morning celebrating. Navigate through your day with a celebratory attitude and end each day in celebration.

When I was 11, I made truffle risotto for my family for Christmas dinner.

A screen actor is compensated in the knowledge that millions will see his performance at one time, where only hundreds will see it on the stage.

Don't worry that other people don't know you; worry that you don't know other people.

I've stayed true to my music and I sing heartfelt songs with a message.

It is proper to ask for sorrow with Christ in sorrow, anguish with Christ in anguish, tears and deep grief because of the great affliction Christ endures for me.

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.

The memories seem like snapshots from someone else’s life.

Well, within a phrase. And with a series of phrases, you can certainly create the effect of diminuendo and crescendo, no question.

Everyone who believes in God must have His revelation in his spirit, or else what he believes is not God but mere human wisdom, ideals or words. Such faith cannot endure the test.