I am what is called a professor emeritus—from the Latin e, 'out,' and meritus, 'so he ought to be.

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

The landlady of a boarding-house is a parallelogram - that is, an oblong angular figure, which cannot be described, but which is equal to anything

Now, the essence, the very spirit of Christmas is that we first make believe a thing is so, and lo, it presently turns out to be so.

It may be those who do most, dream most.

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.

A half truth, like half a brick, is always more forcible as an argument than a whole one. It carries better.

Advertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

There are two things in ordinary conversation which ordinary people dislike - information and wit

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.

It takes a good deal of physical courage to ride a horse. This, however, I have. I get it at about forty cents a flask, and take it as required.

Claire, if you don’t move, I will have served two tours of duty only to die in this bed.

Those who deserve respect are given it freely. If one must demand such a thing, he'll never truly command it.

I don't call myself a Buddhist. I'm a free spirit. I believe I'm here on earth to admire and enjoy it; that's my religion.

Shame is like the weaver's thread; if it breaks in the net, it is wholly imperfect.

We are more apt to change our minds when right than wrong.

Being pigeonholed is the death of all actors.

Hip-hop is rock & roll. What the hell is Wu-Tang but Motorhead?

The great always sell their society to the vanity of the little.

In fact, my New Year's resolution every year, and I'm Jewish so I get two New Years a year, is to meditate, and I fail every time.

There is at least one thing worse than fighting with allies - And that is to fight without them