I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'

Politics:Lies about the truth, or the truth about lies?

Try to think like a human, ’ said Gant, lolling in one of the club chairs.‘Why should I restrict myself so severely?

I feel there is something unexplored about woman that only a woman can explore.

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

You're only a dog old fellow a dog and you've had your day But never a friend of all my friends has been truer than you alway.

I did not design this game; I did not name the stakes. I just happen to like apples; and I am not afraid of snakes.

The Ministry places a rather higher value on my life than yours, I’m afraid.

We learn by teaching.

I think a domestic situation can change you and your attitudes. I suppose if you did get a bit content, then you might not write savage lyrics.

If you don't like it, go somewhere else, to another universe where the rules are simpler.