I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I do love you. And I never gave you anything less than everything I had to give. - Jenna Baker

I've found peace here at the co-op. You could stay with us, if you want. Become a ROFLcopter.

A word in season is most precious.

I don't think the fossil fuel industry will listen, not until we build up a lot of pressure. I do think we can persuade some shareholders that they don't want to be involved in this enterprise.

I was confused as a kid. I was confused about my sexual identity.

I will never be a skinny waif as I am physically unable to say "no" to free booze and snacks. Oh well.

[At a young age] I had learned enough about women to know not to pressure them when they're thinking something out; they'll tell you when they're ready.

I always have to do more to contribute to society.

I have known heaven, and now I am in hell, and there are mimes.

The sky will bow down to your beauty, if you do.