I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Things work out the way they're meant to

No one want to be an imitation of another

The employment equation used to be built on a foundation of two-way loyalty. The world has changed. Today, successful employment relationships can only be sustained on a foundation of two-way honesty

I say I am stronger than fear.

They tell us that "Pity is akin to Love;" if so, Pity must be a poor relation.

Why should I obtain by force that which I can obtain by cheating?

While it is important to trash the governor, it should be done in the context of regret, sadness and balance.

Don't put stock in past lives. It's this life that makes the difference. And in this life, there may be certain destinies, people you're meant to meet.

What you put your attention on grows strong in your life.

My weight doesn't really fluctuate, but I make sure I don't eat late at night. It's about making sure I'm right physically because mentally I'm OK.