I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

6 Ways To Give Your Mind A Break:1. Stop stressing2. Stop worrying3. Give rest to the problems weighing you down4. Lighten up5. Forgive yourself6. Forgive others

When the lenses in the eyes of a leader captures tomorrow, they don't print the passport size of it. They make enlargements.

The man who is fond of books is usually a man of lofty thought, and elevated opinions.

What the edge of Truth cuts, the edge of Grace mends.

Straight As might improve chances for a job but talent improves chances of a promotion.

If you can't write your message in a sentence you can't say it in an hour.

I wonder if liberal kids call liberal talk shows and ask how to get along in a conservative teacher's class? No. No. It doesn't happen, 'cause there's no thought of getting along.

As a business you should probably be examining, hey, is this the type of message we want to send?

I started listening to the Cure around the time I discovered Joy Division and, like Joy Division, they have shaped my taste in all sorts of dark and dreary ways.

You know you've got to exercise your brain just like your muscles.