I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Be the patience you seek

I don't hate the government. I don't think the Second Amendment is being infringed upon.

Frst of all that I would crave as the richest of heaven's blessings would be wisdom from my Heavenly Father bestowed daily.

Everyone has freedom to say whatever they want to say. I think it takes a stronger person to hold their tongue as opposed to speaking out.

Do you think God knew what he was doing when he created woman?

Aptitude can show calling, but it isn't the only indicator. Ineptitude or dysfunction may reveal calling more than talent, curiously enough.

I saw footage of a well-known pastor holding a Bible and saying, "This book says homosexuals should be killed."

Romance fails us and so do friendships, but the relationship of parent and child, less noisy than all the others, remains indelible and indestructible, the strongest relationship on earth

Just because something didn't happen doesn't mean it isn't true.

Protest actions and propaganda are two slightly different things.