I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When we will learn to use the power of love to win the war, universal peace and happiness will be there.

You possess a great soul, awaken the spirit.

Fate lies in our hands, its just that we need to be brave enough to read it & desire enough to change it

Buck up, baby blowfish. Just puff up bigger than your sadness and scare it right off. That's the only way to live in the awful old ocean.

A live broke man is 'luckier' than a dead rich man.

Do-gooders are easily overlooked. We're supposed to be soft, touchy-feely types, who wear Birkenstocks, compost everything, and write poetry by candlelight.

The mere thought of divorce terrified me. To me, divorce symbolized failure.

The ways in which a book, once read, stays (and changes) in the reader's mind are unpredictable.

<...> God is a person; godliness is a quality. You cannot become God, but you can be godly. <...&gt.

Work. Write. Read. Keep putting words on the page, because that's the only way you'll get better.