I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Well there's these things called books.... They are like TV for smart people.

If you sincerely love yourself then you will take 100% full responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices--just recognize them.

Every day of my life, I feel fat. It's not correct thinking in the natural, normal human being's way of life.

That place that no one knows about - horrifying things we keep secret. A lot of that is released through acting.

I don't go walking into things blind.

A critical knowledge of the evolution of the idea of property would embody, in some respects, the most remarkable portion of the mental history of mankind.

I'm not sure I can take your advice. You are dealing with English Gentlemen. We are dealing with monsters.

A friend who offers help without asking for explanations is a treasure beyond price

Failures to love are irremediable and irredeemable.