I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be "empathetic, " not blind.

Talent was not rare

Once every five hundred years or so, a summary statement about poetry comes along that we can't imagine ourselves living without

Whatever I take, I take too much or too little; I do not take the exact amount. The exact amount is no use to me.

Elation and pain are experiences that make you realize youre alive. Thank God you feel them; otherwise youd be numb.

Learn from the best; the second raters have nothing to offer.

I always respected that B.B. sees music in a very open, free way.

MY rule is never to be rude to anyone unless you mean it.

In my spare time, I paint, garden, hike and enjoy massages for my weary writer's back.