I began thinking about my skeleton, this solid, beautiful thing inside me that I would never see.

You are a person and then you cease to be a person, and a cadaver takes your place.

I dont fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, decrepitude, pain, debilitation, depression, senility. After a few years of those, I imagine death presents like a holiday at the beach.

Instead, I quietly excused myself and went to the bar, to commune with spirits I know how to relate to.

The suffix 'naut' comes from the Greek and Latin words for ships and sailing. Astronaut suggests 'a sailor in space.' Chimponaut suggests 'a chimpanzee in sailor pants'.

All the clothes in my closet are Oakland, California, clothes. You can't wear those anywhere else. The barometric pressure drops and then where are you?

Bodily fluids and solids are universally the most disgusting things we as human beings can come upon, but as long as they are inside us, it's part of you.

Sexual desire is a state not unlike hunger.

Many people will find this book disrespectful. There is nothing amusing about being dead, they will say. Ah, but there is.

Gravity disappears again, and we rise up off the floor like spooks from a grave. It's like the Rapture in here every thirty seconds.

The simplest strategy for bouts of noxious flatus is to not care. Or perhaps to take advantage of a gastroenterologist I know: get a dog. (To blame.)

He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.

Liberals are some of the most arrogant, condescending smart alecks, but they're just pure ignorant, and they fit the bill of people who have no love and no respect for the founding of this country.

At its best, life is completely unpredictable.

How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.

I love diamond facials - they leave me glowing and refreshed.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

To win men to acceptance of Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord is the only reason Christians are left in this world.

Religion is nothing but a science to attain wisdom, understanding, to know what life is, and to live it in utter celebration.

If you listen to what's on the pop charts, everything is machine oriented.

Many of the world's greatest discoveries have been by accident. I mean, look at the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, or Botox.