I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

I don't want a new purpose. I want what's mine. I want my birthright.

Silence is exhilarating at first - as noise is - but there is a sweetness to silence outlasting exhilaration, akin to the sweetness of listening and the velvet of sleep

She wasn't just a B-girl, she was carrying the whole ugly world in her eyes.

Let certain things be uncertain.Appreciate the puzzle that life is, insofar as I know, after a scheme of steps, all Crosswords have a solution, and every Sudoku makes a lot of sense.

In the world of ideas everything was clear; in life all was obscure, embroiled.

It is well-known what a middleman is: he is a man who bamboozles one party and plunders the other.

What I'd say about that is that we must respect homosexuals in the church. I've got many homosexual friends, the issue is not in any way a homophobic reaction on my part.

Let me remind you that credit is the lifeblood of business, the lifeblood of prices and jobs.

There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.

I've got a peculiar weakness for criminals and artists. Neither takes life as it is. Any tragic story has to be in conflict with things as they are.