I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

Reject evil. Choose the good.

America is moving forward and gaining strength. We have been tested, and we have proven ourselves to be a tough, resilient and resourceful nation.

Remember to keep yourself alive, there is nothing more important than that.

You have to celebrate the gifts because life is so hard and I think once you realize life's gonna be hard, the good stuff really comes forward.

If you hang in there long enough, you will eventually reach your goal.

Don't be discouraged, but know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance brings character, and character brings hope, and this is a hope which will not disappoint us.

I love history. Everything is inspired by history, so that's why I love vintage and antiques.

The Arab Spring has heightened the ideological tension between Ankara and Tehran, and Turkey's model seems to be winning.

If I can't really find a way to live with myself, I can't expect anyone else to live with me.

It's a world in which people's motives are questionable and shadowy.