I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Good, if you were not part Lycanthrope that blow would have killed you. Now, stop fighting your pain and embrace it.

She admired her passion, knowing that passion is by definition excessive.

Only when a man's life comes to its end in prosperity dare we pronounce him happy.

This is an IMAGINARY STORY...aren't they all?

Donations to my legal defense fund really help, and I think keeping me motivated and spreading the message are also very important.

Writing is something Ive always done on the side. I thought that no one would be interested, so I kept it to myself.

I consider myself to be a romantic person, and I love the idea of having a soul mate.

So, deadpan I think just means not acknowledging for one second that you think that this is funny and clever.

Only in prayer can we learn to love God with all our heart, mind and soul.

Oh, Lord, you have indeed been gracious to me.