I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Even now - in the final hour of my life -I'm falling in love again.

You are my star in the days of darkness

Failure and unhappiness is easier because you can make a joke out of it.

Keep your mind centered on that which leads to light, intensively. Accept no substitute.

Every few generations there are people who come along that change the way we look at the world, for musical enthusiasts Monk is one of these individuals.

The fight against terrorism is also a fight for the rights and dignity of women.

Not always sunny, but always in a sunny state of mind

We just couldn't hit shots. We had good looks but they weren't falling and we kept turning the ball over.

I will adhere to the counsels of good men, although misfortune and death should be the consequence.

Poverty has, in large cities, very different appearances; it is often concealed in splendour, and often in extravagance.