I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Books have the power to create, destroy or change civilization.

I don't believe in virgin sacrifice. It encourages promiscuity at an early age

The worst thing for people to say about your movies is, "Yeah, it was pretty good, but it was too damn long.".

I might not be in a relationship anymore, but I don't believe that people should have to lie to themselves just to make somebody else feel good.

The United States is the most dishonest, ungodly, unspiritual nation that ever existed in the history of the planet.

There are a lot of people in Milwaukee who have had adverse impacts from Scott Walker. He's managed to mess over everyone in Milwaukee.

To write a poem is like trying to catch a lizard without its tail falling off.

The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible.

There is no such thing as a lovers' oath.

A fish probably has no means of apprehending the existence of water; it is too deeply immersed in it.