I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.

The bravest thing I ever did was leave there. The next bravest thing I did was come back, to make myself heard.

Tut, tut, child!" said the Duchess. "Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.

Coaching is not how much you know. It's how much you can get players to do.

to fight for each minute is to fight for what is possible within yourself, so that your life and your death will not be like theirs.

cute," she announced. "and oh,baby doll,you do give off a powerful vide,don't you? makes me want to touch you." with your teeth,id bet.i say to myself

Every man is born with the ability to do something well. This is what the Lord intended him to do. Using that ability - what life is all about.

Music has always felt very real to me.

Kafka wrote the great line: "my education has damaged me in ways I do not even know." And that's always been a signature motto for me.

I've always dreamt of having some sort of undercover job. I think it's probably the coolest thing in the world, but ultimately a very lonely life.