I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Th' unwilling gratitude of base mankind!

I'm not sure I'm a very good source of advice since we're kind of making this up as we go along.

Youth yearns to youth, full blood loves full blood only.

The civilized are those who get more out of life than the uncivilized, and for this we are not likely to be forgiven.

I’m losing my taste for everything, including even my taste for finding everything tasteless.

The judgments our enemies make about us come nearer to the truth than those we make about ourselves.

The only thing better than succeeding is watching people you know fail.

Creation exists only in regard to destruction. Creation is against destruction.

I decline to discuss, under compulsion, where I have sung, and who has sung my songs, and who else has sung with me, and the people I have known.

Greater powers and resources do not guarantee tactical superiority.