I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The Underworld had no mercy. It only had justice

‎"If there is no discipline, there is anarchy. Good citizenship demands attention to responsibilities as well as rights.

this one-way rocket to Death in Adulthood" "Normal Time" in New California Writing

There are no whole truths: All truths are half-truths.

It’s time to WAKE UP and make empowering choices.

France: As a professional journalist, I like the idea of a society where it is considered an acceptable occupation to basically sit around and drink.

Someone sent me a picture of my name that was tattooed on their a***! The first thing I said was, the least you could have done was spell it properly!

Writing doesn't require drive. It's like saying a chicken has to have drive to lay an egg.

Hope for the best is what we do, right from the moment we're born.

Let's talk about the Gas Company because this is my favorite job.