I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

To break yourself loose from the dominion, ruler-ship and manipulation of the devil, you have to embrace light (knowledge).

The thoughts that you think define your life that you live. So have good thoughts to have a great life.

Stop blaming evil on the Devil, blame it on the Creator of everything, if you don't understand, ask Him or at least hope that someday He will reveal it to you

Believe in your God-given dreams.

A lie is a lieeven if everyone believes it.

I need you, the reader, to imagine us, for we don't really exist if you don't.

If I had rolled along with the strip's popularity and repeated myself for another five, 10 or 20 years, the people now "grieving" for "Calvin and Hobbes" would be wishing me dead.

You will find yourself in the Quran, I guarantee you.

I wanted to make Canadian films, and I ended up making American films.

Men never plan to be failures; they simply fail to plan to be successful